When girls feel confident in themselves and their abilities, they are more likely to take on challenges, pursue their passions, and make positive choices for themselves, and also set healthy boundaries for themselves. It is crucial to build confidence in girls from an early age because the early years sets the a foundation in their beliefs that is important for their future happiness.
Girls who lack confidence may be more hesitant to try new things or speak up for themselves, which can limit their opportunities and lead to feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy. By building confidence in girls through positive reinforcement, encouragement, and opportunities for growth, we can help them develop a strong sense of self-worth and resilience that will serve them well throughout their lives.
Girls talk early, walk early, and are good students. But when they grow up, girls may face a range of pressures that boys do not, often related to gender stereotypes and societal expectations, social pressure, labels, mixed signals, and on a larger level, also national policies, which boys do not.
So, how do we build confidence in your little girls from the earliest years? This require awareness of the social pressure that girls encounter and how mixed signals may happen and to be conscious of your own communication, and how you are a child’s first role model on “how to be a woman”. Your words and actions will guide her and how she internalizes how to “be” a woman.
- Remember that you model self-care
Although it is generally a good thing to strive to “do ones best”, this is not necessarily a good advice to try to be always a "perfect mother". It is more about being honest with yourself and also with your little one. A girl will observe her mother and learn from how you “do” a woman and how you "do" "mothering". It is important to be honest with yourself and about your own needs as and not try to be “perfect” all the time. If you do, she may learn a not genuine image of what a mother is or how a woman “should be”. Remember that there is a huge difference between a healthy way of trying to do your best and an unhealthy way of trying to be “perfect” all the time. If you give yourself a little break sometime and are kind to yourself and model self-care, she will learn self-care too. She will learn that self-care is important, normal and expect that she can have too, by watching you.
For example, if you constantly work or serve others and never have the time to put your feet up and take care of yourself, this is what you will model for your little daughter. Life can be pretty demanding and never-ending for grown-ups. Ir can be easy to lose perspective sometimes.
If you want to teach her to listen to her little voice inside herself, and to be ok with that and trust herself, you too need to listen to your little voice inside yourself too and sometimes say to yourself that “I have done my best now, and now I need to rest a little to recharge”. You can say this to your daughter. “Mummy have been so working hard with (insert whatever you have been doing) and now mummy needs to relax 5 minutes. You can relax a little bit too here with me if you want to, or you can continue to play. I just need 5 minutes”. By doing this, to sit down and relax, take a cat nap or to read, your little one will see that a grown woman and a mother is a human person too and that grown up women needs to take care of themselves. She will watch you and learn that is ok to have a break and it is ok to set boundaries and not stretch yourself too thin. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.
- Remember that you model each time you react
If your little one accidentally spills water out on the table, (who has not done that! I have even spilled red wine on someones white carpet!), your reaction might be an automatic frustration or anger if you have told your little many times to be careful with the glass. You might shout out something. But don’t! Try to let your own steam out of your ears before you talk to her in a calm voice and relaxed face. Model for her that it is ok to have accidents or to make mistakes. (“Uh, uh. I see that you spilled water on the table. That can happen to anyone. It’s ok. Let’s go and find something to clean it up with. I’ll show you where we find our paper/ kitchen towels and we’ll clean this up together. Be as respectful and polite with your little girl as you would have been with a grown up. If it was a grown up perhaps you then would have said, “no worries, that happens to me all the time, I’ll clean it up”. If your child is old enough, you can also say that if that happens and mummy is not here, you are allowed to go and find the paper/towels and clean it up yourself.
- Remember to consciously model what you can control and what you can’t control
In your modeling for your little girl, it is important that you focus on the things that you can control in your life, rather than the things that are outside your control.
Choose to model for your little one the things you have control over, for example the amount of effort you put into something, your behavior, your boundaries, what you eat, your words, and your actions, how you treat others, how you take care of yourself, your decisions, how you deal with the consequences of your decisions, how you handle your feelings and reactions to things that happen, and if and on a larger scale how you react to and follow society’s rules and constraints.
You can talk about situations to help her and interpret situations in everyday life. While waiting for the green man at a traffic light and seeing a car not stopping. It is ok to say “Hm. That person in that car was not respectful of walkers like us when we need to cross the street. That is not allowed. Because some people do not follow the rules like that, we must be extra careful ourselves when crossing the street and look to the left and to the right and to the left again to be sure that there are no cars that can hit us. Or, “let’s see if there is a garbage bin nearby, we need to throw our garbage in the bin so that we do not litter the street.
If you behave gracefully in all situations, she will learn how to behave gracefully in situations. She will learn to expect to be spoken to with respect, to set healthy boundaries for herself, but also to be assertive when needed. She will learn that we must make decisions even when we do not know the outcome, that it is ok to cry when we are sad, that we apologize if we have said something which is hurtful to others, that we should eat healthy and respect rules. It is the little things every day and the way she is met by the people closest to her that will mold her.
Your reactions and everyday habits might be unconscious. But if you want to consciously model, you must think about these things in the situation and to be present in the situation.
Choose to consciously model how you deal with things that are outside your control, like what other people believe, how they behave, the opinions they have and what they do or say and the decisions they make and the consequences of it. The past is also outside your control, just like the weather.
She will learn, in a healthy way, that if you do not put importance upon what other people think, say, do or behave, it should not matter so much to her either. Sometimes you need to just shrug your shoulders of some people’s behavior or actions, and you can share to her that “this person seemed to be very angry/not being very polite etc. When someone is very angry/impolite they might say/do things which are not kind towards others. Perhaps he/she had a bad day today and need a little time for himself/herself”. We do not always know why people feel the way they do. “Come on, let’s go enjoy our day”. What should matter to her is what she can have control over herself.
Because, for women in life, they often face labels, rudeness and domination techniques and it is important to learn to not to take all things personally. A little girl will need to learn that other people’s rudeness is not about her. When someone is rude or tries to belittle others, it reflects more their own issues. You can model how to continue to be graceful and polite in the face of such challenges and how to deal with rudeness gracefully and politely. And not take it personally. It is possible to talk with your little one afterwards if a situation requires it.
- Encourage her to speak her mind and to be assertive
Thank her when she is letting you know if it is something she does not like or if something is bothering her: “Thank you for letting me know that”, I did not see that/understand that. Now I do. I’ll take that into account next time”.
Also set boundaries with both her and yourself. You can say “No, I will not let you do that”, if it is something which is not appropriate, like hitting something or doing something wrong on purpose to test limits and lean in and try to calmly stop whatever the child is about to do and find an alternative target outlet.
Ask her questions. Not too many so that she will always have the one that have to decide things as this can be overwhelming for a child. But little choices in everyday life on her way to make her own decisions. Like which sweater would you like to wear today? This one or this one? Would you prefer this for dinner or that for dinner? Imagine how liberating it can be for a small child when they learn that they are allowed to make their own decisions and that you care about their preferences. Remember, their decisions and preferences does not necessarily align with yours, try to be supportive and flexible, even though their style game can be a little fun. If it is about wearing something not weather appropriate you just explain that.
It is then important to explain why you say what you do so your child will learn the correlation between things. They do not automatically know this by themselves. “If you go out without shoes/with the sandals in the pouring rain you will get wet and cold on your feet and then you might become sick. I do not want you to be sick, I want you to be healthy and happy”. So let’s find which shoes that are good to wear when it rains so you stay well.
- Encourage her to try new things and get out of her comfort zone
If your daughter is afraid of doings something, which she initially said she would like to do, but chickens out right before doing something new which you do think she will enjoy, like swim class, you can “nudge” her. “We can go and just sit there and look at what the other children are doing”. And after a while, “Shall we go and say hello to ..(a person/swimming teacher)”. And in the end” Perhaps we could sit here (closer) on the side and just dip our toes? I think it will feel nice to feel the water on our toes”. Perhaps, before you know it, she will enjoy it and feel better and her curiosity and willingness to learn new things will take over. If not, just move calmly back to a situation which you know she will master. Everyone that has learned to swim probably first dipped only their toe in the water.
Teach your daughter that it is ok to do something new even though you are nervous or feel conflicted about it. Your child might want to do something and not want to do it at the same time. Let her feel what she is feeling and that it is ok to both want to and not want to at the same time and that you will be there with her. Teach her how to feel comfortable when something might feel uncomfortable. If we as grown-ups are coming too late to an event, rushed and flushed, and everybody is already there, it can feel awkward to be the latest to arrive. It is easier to try new situations if you have arrived in good time, have the time to relax and take in the place at first.
She will learn that some level of risk is ok. This will benefit her later in life that she can do something even though it may scare her a little in the beginning.
- Encourage her to have a “growth mindset”.
For example: your toddler plays with Duplo (a form of bigger lego pieces). Then there is something that she struggles with, she becomes frustrated and says out loud” I can’t do it!”.
Accept her feelings, but don’t rush to try to fix it. Just hold yourself back a little. Connect first. Perhaps say something like: “I hear that you say this is hard for you”. Be a little “slow” before you lean in and offer to “let me do that for you". Do not assume that your little one would like your help. She would expect that you can do something. But building confidence is about having confidence in knowing or mastering something.
Wait for her to take the lead and if she perhaps would like to figure this out one or two times more for herself. Praise her for trying to figuring this out. She will gain more confidence in herself if she can figure things out herself. You can be a helpful guide and suggest without intervening to do it yourself. You can say something like “ I think that if you hold the other lego with your hand on the floor it will be better supported. Do you think that might help when you put another lego on top of it?". Or, say “Hmm. Does these two really fit together?” “Is there another lego that will fit better?”
If she says” I only make mistakes!” and get angry with herself, beware of her self-talk and let her know that it is ok to make mistakes because that is when we learn. Making mistakes is a great way to learn something new. “If you are tired of trying right now, you can leave it and take a break, what if we take a snack break together and get some energy, and then we can try again if you want to? I know I'd really like a snack now". Children who are tired or hungry have a lower tolerance for making mistakes. “Would you like to share an apple in the sofa?” When I am hungry or tired, I like to take a break and try again afterwards”.
If she says, “I don’t know how!”, you can say that “I believe that you can figure this out”. “Shall we go and have a look together?” “Yeah, it's annoying when it takes time to figure out how to do something”. But, nobody knows how to do something the first time. We must learn how we do things first. And learning means to do it several times. It takes time and that is ok”.
Encourage her to see possibilities and not limitations and that she is stronger than she might think.
- Give your daughter a voice
Let your daughter make decisions too. Giving toddlers opportunities to make decisions for themselves can help teach them confidence and independence. Here are a few decisions a toddler can be allowed to make:
- Clothing: Letting toddlers choose their own clothes (within reason) can give them a sense of autonomy and also help them to develop their personal style.
- Food choices: The grown-ups can decide when it is time to eat and what we eat. But, allowing toddlers to choose what they want to eat and how much they want to eat. This can help them feel in control of their own bodies and develop a healthy relationship with food.
- Playtime: Giving toddlers choices about what toys to play with or activities to do can help them develop decision-making skills and build confidence in their ability to make choices.
- Bedtime routine: Letting toddlers have some say in their bedtime routine, such as choosing which book to read or which pajamas to wear, can help them feel more in control and empowered.
- Encourage her to be active, be outdoors and do a sport or an activity that she enjoys
Research shows that there is a link between regular physical activity and self-esteem, and not at least, it is fun! Being outdoors playing in the natural environment will help them explore (and they are natural explorers!) and participating in sports can be beneficial for girls in a number of ways, helping them build confidence and self-esteem;
- Physical development: Outdoor activities and sports help improve physical abilities and a general fitness, which can improve confidence in their bodies and it's abilities. Being outdoors will provide more space and freedom of movement and exploration. It may give a nice boost of vitamin D from the sun and it can also help your child to not become short sighted. Motor skills, like throwing a ball and catching is easier to practice outdoors.
- Social development: Participating in team sports and outdoor activities can improve social skills, emotional skills and build friendships, which can boost confidence in social situations.
- Risk-taking: Outdoor activities and sports often involve taking small risks and trying new things (imagine climbing in trees, balancing on things), which can contribute to develop confidence in ability to overcome challenges and handle adversity.
- Self-efficacy: By practicing and mastering new skills in sports and outdoor activities, children can develop a sense of self-efficacy and confidence in their ability to achieve goals and succeed in other areas of life.
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