Parenting is a transformative journey that brings immense joy and fulfillment, but it also presents its fair share of challenges. As parents, we want nothing more than to provide the best possible upbringing for our children. Sometimes we might seek guidance, knowledge, and strategies to navigate the complexities of raising a child and trying being the best parent we can be. In our quest for effective parenting, we often overlook one fundamental aspect: respect.
Respect, when applied to parenting, it goes beyond concepts like politeness or obedience. Rather, it encompasses a deep understanding of the child's needs, emotions, communication and the unique child’s perspective. By embracing the concept of respect as a guiding principle and in our mindset, we can nurture our child's potential, foster strong connections, and lay a solid foundation for our children's future.
In this article, we will explore what we can learn from the wisdom of Magda Gerber, a renowned child therapist and infant specialist, who dedicated her life to promoting the importance of respect in parenting. Drawing from her teachings and insights, we will explore the transformative power of respect and how it can shape our parenting journey.
The Legacy of Magda Gerber
Magda Gerber was a visionary in the field of early childhood education. Her unwavering commitment to advocating for both children and parents left an indelible mark on the parenting landscape. Through her organization, Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE), Magda developed a groundbreaking model for parent education that emphasized respect and understanding.
The Philosophy of Educaring
Magda Gerber's philosophy, which she termed "Educaring," revolutionized the way we perceive and interact with infants. Educaring is a unique approach that recognizes babies as whole individuals deserving of respect from the moment they enter this world. It encourages parents to embrace their role as guides, nurturing their child's growth and development while honoring their autonomy and individuality. Today, there are more approaches under different names and the approach is more recognized and accepted knowledge.
By adopting Educaring principles, parents can create a nurturing environment that allows their child to thrive. This philosophy emphasizes the importance of gently observing and learn to understand a child's cues, both subtle and unsubtle, rather than imposing adult-driven agendas. The approach encourages parents to engage in respectful and responsive interactions, fostering a deep sense of trust and connection between parent and child.
An example given by the RIE foundation on what such a respectful approach can look like, for example, “by not picking up an infant without telling him beforehand, by talking directly to him, and not over him, and by waiting for the child’s response”. The point being: talk to your baby from the earliest time and let him know what is happening all the time. Take part in his wondering and describe and explain the world.
The Transformative Lens of Respect
Respect forms the cornerstone of Magda Gerber's teachings. It is the lens through which she viewed every child, recognizing their inherent worth and potential. When we approach our parenting with a respectful mindset, we acknowledge the child's unique perspective, emotions, and needs. We create an environment where they feel seen, heard, and valued.
Respectful parenting is not about permissiveness or indulging a child's every whim. It is about setting clear boundaries, offering guidance, and allowing the child to develop their independence and decision-making skills. By treating our children with respect, we empower them to become secure, autonomous, and compassionate individuals.
The Power of Respectful Interactions
The Importance of Self-Acceptance and Boundaries
Magda Gerber believed in the power of self-acceptance and setting boundaries as crucial components of respectful parenting. When we accept ourselves as the imperfect beings we are, we model self-compassion at the same time, and we provide a safe space for our children to also embrace their imperfections as they grow up. By setting clear boundaries, we create a sense of security and consistency, and how we also respect ourselves, allowing our children to navigate the world with confidence and to learn how to set healthy boundaries for themselves. You can be respectful and set boundaries at the same time.
As a mom, you will most likely have had the experience of feeling exhausted, or drained, at one time or another. If you need a moment to yourself, it can be ok to say, with a respectful intention, that mama needs a moment to rest. I feel very tired now. I will lay down at the sofa for five minutes, and then I will play with you. You can come here and rest together with me if you want to, but if not, you can play here beside me while I rest for a little moment. Afterwards we can play.
Rituals and Emotional Expression
Rituals play a vital role in a child's sense of security and belonging. Magda emphasized the importance of establishing rituals in daily life, such as bedtime routines or mealtime traditions. These rituals provide a sense of predictability and comfort, fostering a deep connection between parent and child.
Memories from childhood are often about the simple things, as dinnertime. A time of the day when the family meets, being able to see the familiar faces, to hear voices, talk and hopefully laughter, the smell of familiar food, the sensory experience of touching food and tasting food.
Furthermore, respecting and encouraging the expression of emotions is essential for a child's emotional development. When we validate a child’s feelings and create a safe space for their emotional expression, we teach them the value of empathy and help them navigate the complexities of their emotions.
It is important to note that infants and young children do not have the vocabulary to express how they are feeling, they might not even know what they are feeling. Feelings also might come out in a completely different for or a completely different time as well. The most important for the child is to be met in that feeling, to learn that it is ok and normal to feel what I feel. Parents who have experienced to have a new sibling in the house will know that despite an older sibling wanting a little sibling, and loving a little sibling, there can also be feelings of loss and grief over not being the little one anymore, the time and lap and arms of a mom who is now busy with a little infant and seeing the infant get to be in moms arms all the time. It can feel overwhelming. The best way to talk with children about feelings are when they are calm, in play, while reading a book and when they are balanced.
Choices and Consequences
Life is made up of choices, and teaching children about choices and consequences is a vital aspect of respectful parenting. By allowing our children to make age-appropriate decisions and experience the natural outcomes of their choices, we empower them to become responsible individuals. This approach cultivates a sense of accountability and fosters critical thinking skills from an early age.
For an infant it can be about presenting them with two toys and ask which on she would like to play with. You may soon see that she will prefer one toy above another. For an older child, it can be about learning to dress themselves and support their growing autonomy by presenting them with options. Would you like this shirt or this one? When we say age- appropriate, we should not expect too much too early. Sometimes an older child will just need the attention and care and help they revived when they were little, and just crave such a little caring act as help to get dressed, even though they might be able to do it themselves. It is about connecting and knowing that you are still loved and cared for, even though you are older.
When it comes to other things, like matters of health, environment and security, everything you do to keep your child safe, it would probably be a non-discussion issue. For an older child, it might look something like, “Oh, I hear you that you do not want to use your helmet, but you do have to wear a helmet if you would like to ride your bike. This is for your security. If you do not use a helmet, you can damage your head if you fall. I do not want you to be hurt, I want you to be safe. It is therefore I say that you must wear a helmet. If you do not want to wear a helmet, that is ok, but then I can’t let you ride your bike. This is for your safety”. Take the time to explain why.
The Role of Discipline
Discipline is often misunderstood as punishment or control. However, Magda Gerber believed that discipline is an integral part of creating a secure and rooted feeling for a child. It is not about exerting your grown up power over your child but, in a respectful way, rather about teaching them the value of respect, responsibility, and self-regulation. By setting clear expectations and consistently enforcing boundaries, we guide our children towards understanding the importance of discipline in their lives. It is possible to set boundaries in a gentle and respectful way.
But of curse, be gentle and take your Childs emotional needs into consideration. If you know a child can dress themselves their emotional needs might be one day that they just need you there to help them because they need it emotionally. They might not need to be able to articulate that directly, and it can come out in a "big feeling". If you have been very occupied with a younger sibling, they just might need you physically near them because the need the nearness and the bond with you.
Yelling might work in the short term with a small child as it can startle or scare a child into stopping an unwanted behavior. However, in the long term, yelling can have very negative consequences. It will most often damage the parent-child relationship, making the child feel anxious, intimidated, or resentful towards the parent and increase unwanted behavior. It can also teach the child that yelling or aggression is an acceptable way to communicate, leading to a cycle of negative and unhelpful communication in the future, which again can have negative consequences for a child in the future. Additionally, it may lead the child to become desensitized to yelling, requiring parents to yell louder or more frequently to get the same effect. Overall, while yelling may provide a short-term solution, it is not an effective or sustainable way to communicate with children and may have negative long-term consequences.
So what to do instead?
The Marta Gerber approach suggests maintaining a calm, respectful and confident attitude: Instead of reacting with frustration or anger, parents should cultivate a calm respectful and confident attitude when addressing unwanted behavior. This helps create a sense of emotional safety for the child and models effective emotional regulation.
Set clear and respectful limits: Establishing clear and consistent boundaries while treating the child with respect is crucial. Clearly communicate expectations and reasons behind rules, allowing the child to understand the limits in a respectful manner. Accept that there might be a response that.
Offer empathy and guidance: Instead of immediately solving a problem for the child, offer empathy and guidance. Acknowledge their feelings and support them as they navigate challenges, encouraging problem-solving skills and building their confidence.
Such strategies promote a positive and respectful approach to addressing unwanted behavior, fostering a strong parent-child relationship and promoting healthy emotional development in children. But always consider the emotions as well. No rules without exeptions.
Embracing the Journey: Applying Respectful Parenting
Observing and Listening
One of the fundamental pillars to learn respectful parenting is observation. Taking the time to observe our children allows us to understand their unique needs, preferences, and developmental milestones. By truly listening to their cues, we can respond in a way that honors their individuality and fosters a deep sense of connection and trust, and also a common sense of humor from the earliest time.
Quality Time and Presence
Respectful parenting emphasizes the importance of quality time spent with our children. It is not about constantly entertaining or stimulating them but rather about being fully present and engaged. By setting aside dedicated time for uninterrupted interaction, we create a space for meaningful connections, open communication, and shared experiences.
Empathy and Perspective
Respectful parenting requires us to step into our child's shoes and view the world through their eyes. Cultivating empathy allows us to better understand their emotions, struggles, and joys. By empathizing with our children, we foster a sense of understanding, compassion, and mutual respect.
Nurturing Independence
Respectful parenting encourages the development of independence in children. By allowing them to explore and make choices within safe boundaries, we nurture their self-confidence and decision-making skills. Gradually giving them age-appropriate responsibilities empowers them to take ownership of their actions and builds a strong foundation for their future.
Conclusion
Magda Gerber's teachings on respect in parenting offer a transformative approach to nurturing the potential of every child. By embracing respect as a guiding principle, we can create an environment that fosters trust, connection, and growth. The power of respect lies in recognizing our children as unique individuals deserving of our understanding, empathy, and support.
A journey of respectful parenting, embracing the wisdom of Magda Gerber, with the transformative potential it holds, can nurture our children to grow up as empathic, self-confident, resilient, and emotionally agile people. By respecting our children, we lay the groundwork for their future success, happiness, and fulfillment.
Being a parent is a journey of self discovery. The transformative approach of Magda Gerber may open for reflection about how you yourself were parented, in which ways your own parents fell short, and the possibility for becoming a more conscious and better parent yourself. We can nurture our childrens potential by offering them the gift of respect every step of the way. This is a gift that a parent can give, agin and again, even if they never experienced it themselves.
If you should feel overwhelmed please know that Magda Gerber framed her approach like this:
"It is easy to give advice, but if good advice would work, we would all be perfect. I do not expect you or any other parent to be superhuman. I just hope that the RIE principles will slowly become part of your awareness, your thinking, and your actions, and eventually, when they truly become part of you, they will serve you as your own inner guidelines. Those inner guidelines can gently remind you whenever you slip to “try again,” which means to use a little more patience, empathy, and sensitivity next time."
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